“Oh I know the Dutch are famous for being a cold people but that’s no excuse for treating you like some half-priced hooker in Amsterdam’s famous red-light district…”

Sue Sylvester, Glee

Last night I shared a long overdue cry with my Dutch fiancé as he cradled me in his arms. Through a series of years of impulsiveness, joy, pain, successes and yes, failures (one too many in the most recent past), I somehow landed here in the Netherlands.  It’s strange that we’ve decided to put up roots (at least for the next 5-7 years) in a place that I’ve never taken interest in and we both dislike in many ways. Maybe one can say that my expatriation to the Netherlands is irony at its best.

Now that I have finally settled here in the Low Countries (3 year anniversary in May 2010), I’m trying to reconnect with my old self who once looked at all aspects of life as an adventure and considered obstacles as mere challenges to overcome through patience, hard-work and faith.

I’ve spent the past two and half years constantly reminding myself that I didn’t invent anything that I’m going through and I definitely won’t be the last to go through it.  Out of personal respect for my fiancé, I will refrain from going into detail about all the traumatizing experiences I had in such a relatively short amount of time. Suffice to say, Sue’s quote hits very close to home. Rather than that magical 1 year adjustment period that most expats require, I needed double the time to finally feel at ease.

Along my expat journey I’ve learned one of the most important lessons of my life–how my outward attitude affects those around me. My perceived attitude and perhaps my own way of expressing my personal views (especially on this blog) have forged friendships with other kindred spirits as well as (more than likely) gotten under the skin of those not prepared with my occasional uncensored  honesty.  Honesty, after all, can be painful on both ends-from those receiving it and those delivering it. I’ve become more cognizant about how my own personal views and harsh criticism might be considered offensive and alienating. For my unintended audience who do not have any personal reference points,  forgive me. Write me an email and we’ll possibly meet up for coffee. My personal “comedies” in the Netherlands will provide you enough entertainment off-line.

In terms of my relationship with my fiancé, the moment I’ve stopped thinking out loud about leaving provincial Utrecht and become more vocal about how to make a life here,  the more peaceful our lives have become. Granted, during my lowest moments, he’s always tried his best to cheer me up and remind me of just why I left the comfort of my own home, my own country to join him thousands and thousands of miles away in a foreign land where almost everything is lost in translation. It doesn’t take much though for me to fall in love with him over and over again.  His simple smile.  His warm caress.  His enthusiasm for making me breakfast every morning. And even his grumpy, moody intolerable self when he’s tired. Or when he’s sick in bed needed to be nursed back to health. Those and so much more simple reasons that are more than enough to remind me just how lucky I am.

Being with him and being together are also enough to let me know that for now, this is where I belong. My home is where ever he is. I choose this. We choose this.

This thought- provoking image is from Information is Beautiful .  Click here for a clearer, larger image.

They always say to leave politics behind at the dinner table. I’m one who possibly can’t resist at least starting a dialogue among family, friends and fellow blog readers. After all, talking about the unpredictable Dutch weather and cheese can only add so much excitement in my life.  I want to know what sustains a person, after everything else fades away.

As a visual learner, this diagram also helps put into perspective the bigger picture of American politics and how it penetrates into the social fabric of  America. It’s easy for people to simply claim one position or the other without quite clearly understanding all the truth behind the propaganda.

I’m actually particularly interested in the “family”/”adult” aspect of the diagram.

My parents, good-old fashioned traditional Filipinos and for most of my early Catholic private school education (preschool to 8th grade), raised me in a very “right” kind of way;

Later on, through various youth leadership programs, my liberal Catholic high school and college, I was nurtured by mentors, educators, professors, in the very “left kind of way”;

Does this make me a well-adjusted adult then? Or perhaps more conflicted as a result? Can there actually be a healthy compromise between the two?

As I am now entering a new phase in my life (married & wife role), the idea of family and raising children are beginning to become a new focal point. After all, it’s no longer going to be all about me anymore. Surprisingly, as left-leaning as I am, there are some aspects of the right that I do respect–morality, discipline and individualism.  I hope to nurture my children, however, without eliciting an atmosphere of fear.

How were you guys raised and would you like to raise your kids differently or the same? Or perhaps a combination of both?

I’ve recently admitted to myself that my life as an expat in the Netherlands, though quite challenging at times, is very blessed.  My fiance and I live in the historic center of Utrecht, a provincial city conveniently located in the middle of the Low Country.

Living in another country versus momentarily studying here or playing tourist are two quite very different experiences. Had I simply participated in a foreign exchange program in more internationally inclined cities such as Amsterdam or Den Hague, perhaps I would have easily developed a serious love affair with the Netherlands. After all, it really is quite a charming and beautiful country if you can get past the incessant rain, high density population,  and lack of common civil pleasantries.

In Bryan Caplan’s thought-provoking post exploring the disconnect between American and European perceptions of each other’s respective countries,  he cites that the fundamental difference stems from experiencing the country as a resident and as a tourist.

Direct excerpt from Bryan Caplan’s Touristic bias article;

Where American tourists go wrong:

1. In European countries, historic downtowns of the premiere cities like Paris or Stockholm are by far the best places to live.  Most people in Europe don’t live in these areas, and can’t afford to.

3.  “Efficient public transportation” and bicycles may seem great to a tourist who eats in restaurants.  They’re not so great if you’re a local who needs to get groceries home to make dinner.  In bad weather, subways and bikes are downright awful.

(images of my neighborhood taken on a canal boat; top-Winkel Van Sinkel, bottom-Utrecht City Hall & Dom Tower)

All three of Caplan’s points are quite in symmetry to my own Dutched reality.

While Utrecht is definitely not a world city, the fundamental truth lies with respect to how Bram and I are part of a tiny minority  (both among Europeans and expats alike) who get to live in a spacious modern apartment in a historic monument located in a beautifully, well preserved historic center.

According to the Act on Property Assessment (WOZ), Utrecht province was the most expensive place to live in the entire country. Finding a place to live in the center of Utrecht is considered be a lot more challenging than along Amsterdam’s infamous canals. Many locals cling with a certain tenacity to their city homes, and due to the its convenient location in the Netherlands, demands higher rent and property value.

Not surprisingly, Utrecht also has the largest train station in the Netherlands where it conveniently connects to all major cities, airports and international train destinations.

I’ve only recently reconciled with the fact that the Netherlands is going to be my home for quite some time . With the current economic instability and uncertainty in the US, I do not have the heart to take up roots back home any time in the near future. For now, I’m going to try my best to enjoy my charmed Dutched life.

€ 1 =$ 1.49
currency rate exchange: Yahoo Finance

(as of 1:00pm, Friday, 16 October 2009)

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous”.

Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker), Sex and the City.

(My first raw herring, a Dutch delicacy, circa Fall 2006 visit)

Arguably one of the most poignant challenges one may face as an expat in a foreign country (like the Netherlands) is “culture shock“. Hailing from the San Francisco Bay Area bubble, constant exposure to multiculturalism and being multilingual,  I assumed that my expatriation to the Netherlands would not become a disability. I soon learned that none of that mattered.

Perhaps the best analogy in describing my Dutched reality is to try imagine being a deaf kid at a disco. You know that there is a wonderful party going on, full of exciting opportunities and facets to celebrate life.   The only problem is that you can’t hear or listen to the music going on around you.  You are unable to demonstrate or speak in the language to save your life. And if you are managing to learn the language,  talking about the weather can only get you so far.  After a while, you develop an insatiable hunger for deep, meaningful, interesting conversations that fail to materialize. Sometimes, more often than not, you feel alienated, alone, depressed and homesick.  Almost everything it seems is lost in translation.

Anthropologist Kalervo Oberg (1960) coined the term culture shock, referring to the phenomenon as the “anxiety that results from losing all of our familiar signs and symbols of social intercourse”.

Oberg (1960) mentions six components of culture shock:

(1) Strain due to the effort required to make necessary psychological adjustments.
(2) A sense of loss and feelings of deprivation in regard to friends, status, profession and possessions.
(3) Being rejected by and/or rejecting members of the new culture.
(4) Confusion in role, role expectations, values, feelings and self-identity.
(5) Surprise, anxiety, even disgust and indignation after becoming aware of cultural differences.
(6) Feelings of impotence due to not being able to cope with the new environment.

Compelling psychological evidence and research since Oberg have unanimously recognized culture shock as a normal process of adjustment to cultural stress, involving symptoms such as (Furnham, 1993):

• anxiety (behavior such as excessive preoccupation with the food, minor pains, excessive fears of being cheated or robbed, fits of anger toward or avoidance of local people and the desire to be with home nationals)
• helplessness
• irritability
• longing for a more predictable and gratifying environment

Culture shock has been part of my near everyday Dutched reality.  There are definitely moments when I feel that I am beginning to acclimate to the culture and have a more positive outlook in embracing life in the Netherlands.   I  have settled on an uneasy peace with my own perceptions of Dutch thrift, directness and rudeness that permeate deep into the fabric of Dutch society. I also understand an invitation to any stereotypical Dutch party, including weddings and major holiday celebrations,  means to seriously consider eating a full meal before attending. “Breaking bread” may not be a tradition or common social act for die-hard Dutch enthusiasts.

Experience, however, has given me the maturity to peacefully accept the fact that there will still be bad days. Weaver (1986) best describes the potential roller-coaster ride with culture-shock,  stating “If there is a medical or illness analogy for culture shock, the common cold is probably the best malady to consider. Like the common cold, there is no way to prevent culture shock and one can ‘catch it’ over and over again. “

On a more positive-note,  a more light hearted approach to perceiving culture shock is to embrace it as a natural, albeit painful and emotional, experience of intercultural learning and growth (Kracke, 2004). In fact, psychologists have been recently approached culture shock as an essential part of adapting to a foreign culture, of coming to understand different ways of living and of seeing the world that is profoundly unfamiliar from one’s own.

What does this mean for me? As of right now, I am taking the next eight months in the Netherlands as my personal time off (not to be confused with being on an extended vacation).  I am assessing my own strengths and weakness, my own interests and passions, and going through the painful and yet satisfying experience of critically realigning my own personal values and belief system. It is an experience in self-understanding and change. Trust me when I say that it is not easy.

(My first poffertjes, tiny fluffy Dutch pancakes, circa Fall 2006 visit)

Bram and I do, however, live a very charmed life. With our impending nuptials just shy of nine months away, we’re spending the time in wedding planning as a great exercise in team building and having fun.  We are, after all, preparing for a marriage and simply not a wedding. By throwing in culture shock into the itinerary and successfully coping with it, we’ve strengthened our bond and have reached a higher level of satisfaction, fulfillment and excitement in our relationship.

For the first time in a long time, I can honestly comprehend why they call the current reality the present. Through all the trials, tribulations and heartache of being an expat in the Netherlands, each day is a blessing.  And with each passing day, we do grow.

How was your expat experience thus far? Is it different from mine? What were ways in which you coped with the culture shock? Do you have any personal suggestions with coping strategies that worked for you?

References:
1. Furnham, A. (1993). Communicating in foreign lands: the cause, consequences and cures of culture shock. Language Culture and Curriculum, 6 (1), pp. 91-109.
2.Kracke, W (2004). Culture Shock. International Encyclopedia of the Social & Behavioral Sciences,  Pages 3176-3179.
3. Oberg, K. (1960) Cultural shock: Adjustment to new cultural environments, Practical Anthropology.
4. Weaver, G. R. (1994). Understanding and coping with cross-cultural adjustment stress. In G. R. Weaver (Ed.), Culture, communication and conflict: Readings in intercultural relations (pp. 169–189). Needham Heights, MA: Ginn Press.

For anyone considering a full Roman Catholic mass and incorporating Filipino wedding traditions, the actual order may be a bit confusing and possibly overwhelming. If you’re just like me, you’ll probably find yourself scrambling to call relatives, the officiating priest, and the world-wide web about all the details. As I alluded to in my earlier post, Filipino Catholic Wedding Traditions (I), you’ll soon realize that its very much imbedded with a lot of pomp and circumstance. In fact, you’ll also realize sooner or later that a lot of Filipino traditions are actually open to interpretation, but the most important aspect is the extensive involvement of your family and closest friends in the actual ceremony itself.  Underlying all the logistics, everyone comes to one resounding conclusion: “It’s a family affair“

(Image from Paul Vincent)

Here is a working example of the order of events in a Filipino Catholic wedding ceremony:
* Opening Logistics
* Introduction
* Pledge Of Support
* Lighting of the tapers (Parents or Candle Sponsors)
* First Reading
* Responsorial Psalm
* Second Reading
* Gospel
* Homily
* Pinning of the Veil
* Placing of the Cord
* Exchange of Vows
* Blessing of the Rings
* Removal of the Cord and Veil
* Coin Ceremony
* Lighting of the Unity Candle (the bride and groom)
* Charge to the Couple
* Prayer
* First Communion
* Lord’s Prayer
* Sign of Peace
* Music & Bouquet Offering to the Virgin Mary
* Pronouncement as Husband & Wife
* Benediction
* Closing and Presentation

Are any of you also doing a Filipino Catholic mass? Are any of the orders different? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Helpful posts regarding Filipino Catholic Wedding traditions:

Filipino Catholic Wedding Traditions I (Godparents, Veil, Cord, Candle)
Filipino Catholic Wedding Traditions II (Coins)

I hope that you can find the time to watch this 17-minute presentation by Stefan Sagmeister, a design genius,  appropriately titled “The Power of Time Off”.  After watching this video with Bram this past Saturday,  it made us be a lot more appreciative about our own “time off” and life in general. Please watch the video- I promise it will give you fuzzy, warm feelings and possibly the inspiration to be a bit more creative and appreciative of life.  At the very least,  it might encourage you to take a vacation to Bali.

I’ve recently discovered that random people are actually reading and appreciating my blog.  This morning I woke up with a pleasant surprise by being bestowed the “Kreativ Blogger Award” by Sebrina from Miskado’s Journey Down The Aisle.  Thank-you for the nomination-your encouragement via the blogging world is much appreciated!

My curiosity got the best of me and I spent the earlier part of the afternoon figuring out the origins of the “Kreativ Blogger Award”. It wasn’t too long before trusty google led me to a very creative Norwegian lady named Hulda. Her design of the Kreativ Blogger patch can be found on her blog, Husfraus Memoarer,  in a May 8, 2008 post:

I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the original image was not computer generated, but rather made from pieces of scrap paper. She gave it to her sister and three other blogging friends whom she considered to be very creative. Hulda also left it open for them to pass it forward, simply saying ” It is nice if you justify why you think this person is creative/a creative blogger when you give it further” Over a year later, the Kreativ Blogger patch extended beyond arts and crafts, encompassing almost all creative outlets-photography, cooking, literature and even wedding planning.

I have to confess that the other underlying reason why I wanted to find its origins was that the “rules” associated with the Kreativ Blogger logo hinted at being a digital chain letter.  I personally dislike forwarding self-promoting chain letters and did not want to further clutter the world with spam.

(The alternative image created by someone else, with “award” added”)

Here are the “rules” for your personal reference:
1. You must thank the person who has given you the award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link the person who has nominated you for the award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
5. Nominate 7 other Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on which of the blogs to let them know they have been nominated.

Forgive the developing skeptic in me–I consider it part of my inburgering (Dutch integration) in the Netherlands.  Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise to have been given this acknowledgment by a fellow blogger, allowing me to be part of the greater blogging community and to share in that feel-good feeling of being recognized.

I would like to stray away from the chain-letteresque rules and rather in the spirit of the original designer, simply acknowledge people who I find “creative” in the blogging world and provide a reason as to why (in no particular order):

Celebrating Life (MB Wedding and Designs) Perhaps you can call me biased, but Michelle has truly mastered the art of  “eye-candy”.  She’s not only a talented wedding planner and event designer, but genuinely passionate about her work and all aspects in celebrating life- food, travel, photography, flowers, love, personal development, community awareness, etc.  Even if you are not wedding planning, if you ever need to find daily inspiration, check out her site.

Pamcakes Pam is everything and more that you can imagine from someone born and raised in New York–interesting, strong personality, beautiful, down-to earth, worldly, open-minded, out-going, honest.  The world is truly her playground and she really lives. Perhaps you can even say that we’re both kindred spirits–two Asian- American expats finding themselves in a surreal Dutch world while being in love with our respective Dutch boys and planning weddings from afar.

The TwoSixty My cousin Grace is arguably one of the most creative people I’ve ever met. Though she may not blog much, she never fails to amaze me with her latest art project. Not to forget to mention creative, off-beat, writing style. Sometimes I wonder why she hasn’t become a designer herself.

If you know anyone else who you find to be a “Kreativ blogger”, please don’t hesitate to pass it forward. I’m sure that they would truly appreciate the support.

“Obsessions make my life worse and my work better”   Stefan Sagmeister
location: Amsterdam, The Netherlands

In Monterroso al Mare

L’Ancora della Tortuga
Salita Capuccini
Phone:  +39 0187 800065