It’s been quite some time since my last post. During this time, I’ve been preoccupied with:

-packing/ moving/settling into my new apartment on the Old Canal

-embarking on a new endeavor: a Master’s program in Health Economics at Erasmus University Rotterdam.

Who ever thought that packing, moving, and settling into a new apartment can be so exhausting? I’m definitely going to stay in my new apartment for at least a year…

Attempting to tackle “master’s level” classes in Economics without ever taking one undergraduate econ related class seems to be quite ambitious. Nonetheless, I’m hopeful (or perhaps more accurately, delusional) that I’m going to do well.

And while I must confess I was still dreaming of an “Indian summer”, I’m afraid that Fall has finally arrived. Along with the change of season are must have scarves, stylish boots, trendy caps, chic jackets and life-saving umbrellas. I’m finally understanding the stereotype that Europeans seem to be more conscious about style than their American counterparts.

For the first time in my life, I’m actually inspired to dress better. Now we’ll just see how long that lasts…

For your personal amusement, pictures from the first unofficial HE/HEPL dinner: http://berkeley.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2220794&l=68999&id=1223201

I am counting down the days till the weekend of September 1st, aka Operation Move-In Day. I’ll be moving into a 100 m2 apartment with a complete kitchen, balcony and interesting floor plan (to say the least).

It will be be one stressful move. Its located right in the center where its off limits to cars and has a high population density of shoppers and lost tourists. There will also be a narrow alley and at least three flights of stairs to conquer…

Nonetheless, I’m embracing all the stress with open arms. I’m excited to have a new beginning in a place where I can imagine myself falling in love with, even if its only for a year. =)

I’m also looking forward to the coming Fall semester where there are new opportunities to make new friends, challenged by aloof professors and temptations to travel elsewhere in the Old World.

While I am stressed out of my mind, have seriously neglected my exercise regiment, and have over indulged myself in culinary treats, I really am feeling a lot better than I have in a long time. Specifically, I’m moving on with my life without looking back at all the recent and not so recent decisions I made. And as one of my good friends let me know, we’re not getting “older”, we’re just living longer.

My latest obsession is fresh mint tea. It’s a simple mixture of hot water and fresh mint sprigs. Placing the mint sprigs, complete with leaves, in a clear jar also provides some aesthetic pleasure. I really do enjoy the simple things in life.

Now all I have to do is to find an apartment and everything should fall into place. And if not, at least there’s still mint tea. =)

P.S.

For anyone dealing with heart break, or perhaps more accurately, betrayal and disappointment time and time again from a previous significant other, but can’t seem to him or her go, here is some helpful advice that actually helped me (courtesy of Dr. Phil of course).

Ask yourself if your standards are too low. Are they? “What is it about you that causes you to settle for somebody that you know will cheat on you, know will lie to you, know will make a commitment and then break it? What is it about you that you believe about yourself that you’re willing to settle for that?”

Just because you love someone doesn’t give them permission to continuously hurt you.

I’m setting a higher standard for myself. I want a life rich with meaning, going beneath the surface and appreciating what really matters. I don’t have time to entertain someone who can be and probably always be so careless with my heart.

After all, I won’t ever be so careless with mine again. =)

A Return to Love

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

prayer written by Marianne Williamson

I am steadily becoming comfortable in my own skin, confident in my own personal charm. While I must confess I have a long journey ahead of me, I’m beginning to find stability in a world of uneven ground. I’m excited about the real possibility of pursuing a Master’s in Health Economics at Erasmus University in Rotterdam, becoming fluent in Dutch within six months, and materializing my dream of becoming a physician.

In Philadelphia, there was a loneliness that entrenched my heart and it lingered with me everywhere I went. I excelled academically at the University of Pennsylvania, was part of cutting edge research in the field of Immunology (HIV microbicides) and Neurology, got in better shape courtesy of a great spinning coach, received flattering attention and approval from both sexes, and was very fortunate to have strangers come in my life and generously provide guidance, love, and support despite their busy schedules.

But I was unhappy. Because for the longest time I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin, in the sway of my hips, in my own intellect… I was to say the least, clumsy. I needed approval and affirmation from others instead of finding it myself. Since I didn’t own my own power, my own beauty, I was inconsistent, erratic and in for one depressive, emotionally unstable roller-coaster ride.

Cynthia, my adopted 80 year old “Jewish grandmother” saw this insecurity in me. She felt my struggle, staring straight through the loneliness that cloaked my entire being. And she invoked some much needed wisdom on me, emphasizing ” The most important relationship you have is the one with yourself. Always put yourself first. ”

It took me several months to really have her wisdom sink in. I was always taught about sacrificial love, of putting those that you love above yourself. Stumbling upon this prayer again gave me another perspective, one that made more sense. If I start putting myself first, of believing in myself and prioritizing my own happiness, those closest to my heart will also be happy. Putting myself first isn’t an excuse to be inconsiderate of other’s but permission to strive to be the best I can be.

This prayer serves as my own inspiration to try to never settle for anything less and to aspire to find my voice. It may sound narcissistic, but its perhaps one of the most inspirational and sincere prayers I’ve come across. And after eight years on this earth, I’m sure my Jewish grandmother knows a thing or two about life. I hope it can do the same for you.

After an amazing dinner at Taj Mahal (Utrecht’s best Indian restaurant) yesterday with my love and two good friends, I think its about time to count my lucky stars:

1. I can view my homesickness as a blessing. Thank-God I have a wonderful family and the San Francisco Bay Area to miss.

2. I’m still young, educated, fairly intelligent, attractive, and resourceful enough to find my way around in this world. And I have all the support I could possibly need.

3. I have a wonderful, loving, supportive, charming, gorgeous, ambitious, passionate, and understanding boyfriend who wants to share his life with me. Could I possibly ask for more in a life partner?

4. My family is in relatively good health, intact, and have given me the richest inheritance one can ever have: unconditional love.

5. Living abroad, even if only for the near future, is a great way to “character build”.

6. World class chocolates at the tip of my fingers.

7. The personal motivation to do well on my impending exam.

8. An old world to explore. Rumor has it that this part of the world is rich with history, art, culture, and edible explorations.

9. Being in the best shape I can be. Having the time and motivation to go spinning four to five times a week is indeed a luxury in a time constrained world.

10. Simply being alive. Life, afterall, is wonderful.

Life isn’t a dress rehearsal - Kerry Packer

While I’m not genuinely at peace with where I am in life, I do know that I have to stop living it passively. I’ve spent too much time thinking about the past and too much time preparing for the future that I haven’t invested enough time in the present. I’m going to embrace life again, fostering a more positive sentiment, nurturing a real relationship with God, becoming more disciplined, being open to new experiences/travels/adventures, and validating those that fill my life with countless blessings. After all, life isn’t a dress rehearsal.

I’ve finally reached a quarter of a century old.