The Character of Him
I’ve stumbled upon something on Dr. Phil’s website (yes, I’m also an Oprah fan) that might be helpful for everyone, from cynics to hopeless romantics. Dr. Phil cautions the audience that the idea of a perfect person doesn’t actually exist. Instead, we should be looking for a person who is free of the deal-breakers and has 80% of the attributes that we’re looking for. The rest of the 20% allows room for growth and compromise.Simply from a logical standpoint, his advice seems to be practical. Choosing a life partner is perhaps one of the biggest decisions we have to make. Aside from knowing who we are, we must also be able to critically evaluate the character of a potential life partner. While one can easily be seduced by irresistible good looks and charm, its really his core values, personality style, and interpersonal relationships that make us genuinely fall in love time and time again.
Perhaps sharing my own experience with my high school and college sweetheart might help. He had stereotypical Mediterranean good looks, complete with olive eyes, dark wavy hair, muscular athletic build, and perfectly tanned skinned. Aside from being a borderline math genius, he was also a talented singer, quite charming, suave dancer, philosopher, and artist. But beneath the superficial, he was and still is incredibly immature, unable to resist certain temptations and does not respect social boundaries. I must confess that I still love him dearly, but I know that he is definitely not the one for me right now.
For most, a drug addiction would suffice as an ultimate deal breaker, but for me, it took a lot of soul-searching to finally let him go. To be fair, he was always there for me. I met him when I was a 15 year old insecure, abused, socially awkward, lonely girl desperate for some consolation, friendship, and validation. And perhaps he too was looking for refuge coming from a household burdened with an alcoholic father and a resentful, disappointed mother. But had I loved myself as I do now and really evaluated the character of him, I would have walked out a long time ago.
So for those who are in search of Mr. Right, here is a great checklist, courtesy of Dr. Phil for you to check out:
And the great news is that the Dutch guy I fell for love at first sight also happens to be my 80% guy!