Its been such a gorgeous, intensely hot two weeks. Though “humidity” is generally not my cup of tea, I’ll acquiesce a bit for that rare sunlight that graces its presences in this perpetually dark and grey country. For my first two years here I was nearly driven insane by the actual lack of sunlight all year round. While wedding plans are basically at a stand still, our relationship has become stronger than ever. Part of what makes me so happy about the whole wedding planning process is that it allows us to focus on strengthening our relationship and establishing a moral foundation on which to build our future on.

I’m actually the first and only serious girlfriend  Bram has ever had. Before me–well, let’s just say that he was never committed to just one girl before. Trust me when I say that it wasn’t easy to come to terms with his Casanova past. I guess you can say that he was always searching, looking, seeking……..for me.

Bram and I are going to be throwing our very first official BBQ party at Hotel Kasteel Antwerpen to commemorate the blessed all American holiday, the 4th of July. No matter how far and how long I’ve been away from the U.S., I will always be an American. By some random divine chance, these people have come into our lives and showered us with love, support, comfort, and laughter. They have become part of our extended “family” and we can’t think of a better way to celebrate the 4th than with them.

Another corollary of collectivist thinking is a cultural tendency not to stand out or excel. “Just be normal” is a national saying, and in an earlier era children were taught, in effect, that “if you were born a dime, you’ll never be a quarter” — the very antithesis of the American ideal of upward mobility. There seem to be fewer risk-takers here. Those who do go out on a limb or otherwise follow their own internal music — the architect Rem Koolhaas, say, or Vincent Van Gogh — tend to leave.

excerpt from RUSSELL SHORTO’s “Going Dutch”
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/03/magazine/03european-t.html?_r=1&em

I have officially been residing in the Netherlands for two years.  It has truly been one of the most challenging and yet fulfilling experience I ever had.

I’d like to look at this anniversary to officially start a new tradition, a time for a new beginning. From now on to mark my “Going Dutch”, I will have a theme that I will try to reflect on time and again during my “new year”. The theme for this year is “Following the Beat of Your Own Drum”.

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears the beat of a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away.”
- Henry David Thoreau

“When a child hearkens to the beat of a different drum ~ perhaps he is keeping time to songs of Angels that we, his lessers, simply cannot hear.
-Kelly Long-Kirkpatrick

If we are unaware that we are products of conditioning by parents, teachers, advertisers, church, school, politicians, media, etc., then we will seldom question our maxims. Indeed, it is often the genius, the non-conformist, the one who dances to the beat of a different drum that advances the state-of-the-art in thought, science, medicine, politics, etc.
-unknown

It is no surprise that I had such difficulty adjusting to life in a country that prides itself in mediocrity and finds solace in its homogeneity. I am, however, making “peace” with my Dutched reality, one day at a time. I am also happier following the beat of my own drum…

By: BRIAN ANDREW “DREW” CHALKER

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

I read something today on my favorite forum that struck a chord deep inside me:

Hey all!  After two months of back and forth, I decided to be a big girl and call it quits.  I got clues that it wasn’t going to be the type of marriage that I wanted.  He made the statement that his family was him and his daughter.  I said, “Hey.  What about me?”  He said that I should *know* that I am his family.  Oh really???

I should have walked away a long time ago, but my relationship was pretty much “secure”.  If I had stayed there and put myself last, then I would have had what I thought would be “wonderful”.

Preparing for what is possibly going to be an unforgettable, extravagant wedding comes only secondary to having a wonderful, long lasting marriage. For those who do not know me, they might easily perceive my attention towards all the details of my upcoming wedding as superficial and unnecessary. They cannot understand that for me, its not about the wedding as much as preparing for a lifetime partnership with my soul-mate. The care that I put into wedding planning is the same care that I would put into my marriage–patience, understanding, lots of thought, sacrifice and most importantly, love.

Marriage, after all, in the Catholic tradition, can be considered a sacrament of sacrifice. An insightful priest once told me that its not about how incredible you feel with the guy or how much he makes you laugh, that should be the deciding factor, but rather, how much are you willing to sacrifice for your marriage. How much are you willing to put your marriage first over your own personal comfort?

I’m willing to sacrifice everything for my fiance and my family.I, however, am drawing the line with the amount of unnecessary sacrifice I am going to make. I am not going to put myself last over people who do not care about my feelings or who do not consider me family.

And if there is that nagging feeling inside of me that tells me that my fiance cannot make the same sacrifices for me, our marriage, our family– his priority– than I do not have the heart to go through with the wedding, no matter how far I’ve already gone through all the pomp and circumstance.

I would rather be alone, happily independent (and probably insecure and lonely) than be trapped in an unhappy marriage where I come last.

To the random woman who courageously made that post, thank-you for your sincerity and painfully beautiful honesty about life and the potential devastating consequences of an unhappy marriage.

To the pursuit of happiness, may we all find it in the arms of a loving good, honest man and most importantly, in the comfort of our own strenght and love for our own selves.

For those who want to understand how the financial crisis came about:
The Crisis of Credit Visualized from Jonathan Jarvis on Vimeo.

Last week I had the opportunity to finally do an intensive, (5 days, 9 hours per day) Dutch language program with two private tutors. In other words, I was “sent to the nuns to be straightened out”.

The Marcus Evans Linguarama Program is basically a language training center for professionals. It caters towards the needs of people who find themselves needing to grasp or master a foreign language in the most time efficient manner as possible. There are several language classes options, each custom tailored to the  demands of the potential student.  With Bram’s encouragement, I did the business track program in order to learn Dutch as time-efficient as possible.

At first I was a little hesitant about having to stay at a hotel/language institute that was formerly a convent. However, there was something about the place that gave me a sense of peace and quiet that I wasn’t able to find in the Netherlands before. Perhaps it was all the lingering iconic religious statues/references scattered throughout the grounds, or maybe hundreds of years of prayer. What ever it was, I felt incredibly comfortable and safe.

And I must confess that I was a bit spoiled. OK. Really spoiled. For each meal (breakfast, lunch, and dinner), I was assigned my own personal table, with a designated name card, Mev. Acosta (Mevrouw~Miss/Mrs Acosta). Each morning, I woke up to a pretty good buffet of croissants and all different assorted breads, fresh juices, fruit, eggs, cheeses, meats, yogurt, granola, coffee/tea etc. When lunch time came, I was treated to various types of salads (and not the typical Dutch mayo salads mind you), fresh baked breads, lunch meat, a warm dish of the day, juices/coffee/tea, and of course, sweet little pastries.  When dinner rolled around, I had a nice European three course meal, complete with wine and (almost) impeccable customer service. Let’s just say that the concept of “diet” was temporarily put aside as I ate till my heart’s content. =)

Before starting the program, I was personally warned by Linguarama that it was going to be intense. I must confess that I didn’t really take them that seriously–after all, I did manage to survive Berkeley and UPenn. I was pleasantly surprised of how tired I was at the end of each day. Who knew that someone drilling Dutch into your head for about 8 hours a day, with additional homework could be so exhausting? Having the undivided attention of a sole teacher demanded you to be alert at all times, unable to hide behind notes or others. By the end of the week, I felt a lot more comfortable with Dutch and it no longer seemed like such a foreign language after all.

Perhaps the most valuable part of the experience that cannot be so easily replicated in any other language course (be it at the local Dutch community center or university) is the personal, one-to-one coaching that I received. The “coaching” went beyond the simple Dutch language but also integrated a much appreciated cultural and psychological component to it as well.

To say the least, I was a bit “traumatized” during my first year and a half in the Netherlands. I had, on more than one occassion, experienced unpleasant encounters with extremely rude, selfish, and morally questionable Dutch people.

There were also certain misconceptions I had about the Dutch attitude towards hospitality/food. For a while, I dreaded attending certain gatherings because I didn’t enjoy having to go home hungry or feeling so self conscious about what I ate because there simply wasn’t enough food available. I thought that, in general, the Dutch were so money conscious and stingy, that when it came to inviting others, they would only serve “just enough”  or the bare possible minimum.

The Linguarama program unraveled all these misconceptions I had about the Dutch culture. Confiding in my tutors and other Dutch around me, I realized that what I experienced was unfortunate and that it was definitely not the common experience anymore. The hospitality/generosity that Bram’s Dutch friends, my Erasmus classmates, and Quintiles colleagues  have shown me was not actually unique and out of the ordinary, but rather the more common experience with the mainstream Dutch culture in urban cities.

To say the least, the Linguarama program was my own rehabilitation program back into Dutch society. The Dutch may arguably be the most direct, straightforward people that one will ever encounter–but they too can also be sentimental, kind, generous with food, and of course, open-hearted towards strangers.  I just needed “my hand to be held”, to just be consoled and encouraged.  By the end of the week,  I was able to take ownership of the language, to embrace it completely, and to finally understand what it all means to think in Dutch. And…to finally realize that I can actually be genuinely happy in this country.

That my friends, is priceless.

I love this picture because it captures everything that I miss so much in the world–my family, friends, laughter (American humor), honest food, multiculturalism, generosity, warmth, and individuality (just to name a few).

I could go on and on about the aspects in life that I don’t have in the Netherlands. But I’d rather not spend another moment trying to illicit compassion and sympathy.

I am, however, going to impart an important piece of advice that a kind priest shared with me when I was in Philadelphia. Whenever I am suffering from homesickness, I can remind myself that my “suffering” is rather a “blessing from God”. I can acknowledge it as a gift–of how lucky I am to have a loving family, to come from such a nostalgically beautiful part of the world, and to have had experienced all the wonderful things that I did have.

The simply reality of it all is that I am no longer living in the “San Francisco Bay Area Bubble”. I am living in a different world that expresses kindness, compassion, and warmth in a dramatically different, much more rigid, conservative manner.

I am grateful that Bram is by my side in this “character building” journey, and I hope to live the rest of this New Year a little wiser, more patient, and open-hearted. =)

For the next 48 hours, Oprah Winfrey is giving out 8 free songs just in time to get you into the Holiday Spirit.

http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20081118_tows_holiday/2

Enjoy!

There are people who know exactly how to eloquently express their own “cultural observations”. My friend Matthijs is one of them. Enjoy!

Matthij’s personal musings on “The UnDutchables” in his own words:

Colin White and Laurie Boucke wrote a great book in 1989 called “The UnDutchables” which, as they describe in their forward, is “a psychological survival kit for expats” or “the lowdown on Holland.” While reading it, I experienced at times the urge to cringe, to laugh, to cry and/or to throw the book across the room. It is so dead on in dissecting Dutch social mores that I even got defensive. But then I said to myself: “everyone here considers me American, so what do I have to worry about?” It’s handy to have dual nationality. That way I can always take credit for the good parts of America and Holland and disown the bad ones. As I always say when Dutch people ask me to which country I feel I belong: “When I hear Bruce Springsteen, I am American, when I see George Bush, I am Dutch.” 

Nevertheless, the book got me to thinking and I have come up with a new section of “truths” based on my own personal observations which the authors may consider inserting into an annex of one of their forthcoming periodic updates:

• In America, the baseline answer when one has been invited to a party is “yes”, even when one doesn’t intend to come. In Holland, the baseline answer is “no”, though they may surprise you and reconsider.
• Americans demonstrate that they trust you by sharing intimate details about their lives the very first time you meet them. Anyone who does in The Netherlands will be distrusted immediately. “If he is so loose with his own secrets,” they wonder, “how will he be with mine?”
• American nurses feel the patient’s pain. Dutch nurses think that by doing so, they will only make things worse.
• American drivers wave to other drivers who have treated them with courtesy. Dutch drivers will only sometimes wave if they are conscious of having been discourteous.
• In America, the customer is king. In Holland, a customer who acts like a king will quickly be treated as a pauper.
• Americans often greet their new next door neighbors, unannounced, with home-made cookies or some other dish from their kitchen. You only do this to your neighbors in Holland if you want to scare the shit out of them.
• It is still quite acceptable for the Dutch to scold misbehaving children not their own. Only Americans with high-powered lawyers would even dare such a thing.
• Though American women love talking about sex with all sorts of people, even men they have just met in a bar, they have lots of hang-ups when it comes to actually doing it. Dutch women have almost no hang-ups when doing it, but only share the details with their best girlfriends.
• In America, authoritarian managers are feared but can still be respected. In Holland, they are hated and quietly undermined.
• In America, the superficial friendship is the very oil on the gears of society. In The Netherlands, it is the cog on the wheel.
• Most Americans have a vague notion that religious leaders, whomever they may be, are persons worthy of respect. Most Dutch people have a vague notion that they deserve disrespect. Both are unsure about how to express this, however.
• The Dutch often describe themselves as being spontaneous, though they haven’t a fucking clue what that word means. Americans are naturally spontaneous and consequently almost never talk about it.
• The Dutch are jealous and thus disdainful the American’s natural openness. Americans familiar with Dutch culture are jealous and thus disdainful of their comforting homogeneity.
• An American receiving an unexpected generosity will offer profuse thanks followed by specific commitments regarding the repayment of their debt, which they will conveniently forget about later on. A Dutch person receiving the same will, if they can get away with it, not say a word of thanks, resenting already the implication that you have tried to put them in your debt. They will also very likely consider you an idiot from that point onwards.